“You Are Not A Homosexual”
A Divine Revelation to a Weary Soul-
*There is no other way: 6 “I am the way, the truth, and the life!” Jesus answered. “Without me, no one can go the Father. John 14:6, (CEV)
Regardless of what characterizes my state of sin, and despite my level of commitment to being a child of God, I am only a branch; and Jesus is the vine. Therefore, I should never try to overcompensate for the painful consequences of my sinfulness by attempting to change His righteous standard, as this would dangerously impact my own life and set a wrong example for others’. Safety is not what I project to others based on my own emotions, self-esteem, etc.
Instead, safety comes from my relationship with Jesus Christ and HIS ability to make me holy, as HE is holy. 15 Always live as God’s holy people should, because God is the one who chose you, and he is holy. 16 That’s why the Scriptures say, “I am the holy God, and you must be holy too.” (See, 1 Peter 1:15-16, CEV.) Jesus said to his disciples, 25 If you want to save your life, you will destroy it. But if you give up your life for me, you will find it. (See, Matthew 16:25, CEV.)
Further, loosing my life for the sake of Christ begins with my willingness to exchange my sin for HIS sanctification. Additionally, while some laws are rightfully enacted to prevent abuse and discrimination, laws are not intended to make me more secure in order to delve deeper into my sinful state; because, from the beginning of human existence, (as to the first Adam), the introduction of sin into the world potentially makes for a topsy-turvy life experience, which can be overcome only by laying my burdens at the feet of Jesus, the second Adam)*.
God’s Divine revelation represents a pivotal point in my life; it was the very reason that my weary soul found relief. This ended decades of unwittingly playing a very dangerous game of questioning and not truly owning or valuing my gender. I had read the Holy Bible since my preteens. However, these doubts concerning my gender began when I was five years old. Nevertheless, at age six, with a children’s prayer book, (a truly helpful tool from a perceptive young adult), I established a regular habit of study and praise.
And because of my resolve to memorize every prayer, pray each night, and learn all that I could about leading a holy life, at age seven, God gave me keen insight by which HE had graciously transformed my spiritual life in many important ways. Yet, there was an area in my spiritual walk with HIM that apparently required a personal invitation to HIM from me. *I once felt horribly afraid and confused about my journey from sin to salvation. But I hope these word provide each reader with the option to successfully complete your journey in a fraction of the time, with far less heartache and that you emerge as more than a conqueror through Jesus Christ, our Lord!*
However, because I didn’t understand the nature or origin of sin or how a trusting relationship with God could make me free, and I was far too ashamed to ask the Holy God for help, my feeling of shame remained; and the longer I felt ashamed about approaching God in prayer, specifically concerning the ongoing homosexual thoughts and feelings I struggled with, was the longer I would endure the subtle, silent ravages of isolation and confusion and their effects on my spiritual, mental and emotional health, family relationships, and friendships. And although my family loves me and I’ve always had the respect of my friends, I couldn’t reveal anything about how I felt to anyone I knew or cared about, because I didn’t know exactly what I was dealing with or how to solve it. The depths of my sorrow and confusion were well-guarded, which made it harder and, in a way, easier at times, for me to deal with my pain, alone. Nevertheless, this stymied my professional development as well as an interest in marriage. Deep inside I knew there was a better way to live and I was determined to find it.
Further, I knew that the homosexual anxiety I periodically experienced must be completely resolved before I could marry. When the moment arrived, I wanted a marriage that would represent my being fully present and honest with the love of my life, and I’d need him to be completely honest and fully present with me. Ideally, our significant journey to spiritual maturity in our relationship with God and in our understanding of each other would mean so much to each of us, that we would actually, finally become as one. Along the way, I would need to be fully myself: Someone who had come to terms with own my pitfalls, learned how to avoid them and more importantly, discovered how to appropriately relate to others on every level; but I had felt stuck in a gender-based limbo, and I wasn’t sure how to become free or just how I had arrived there in the first place; so, I kept holding out hope that I would soon figure it all out and finally emerge a wiser, more whole and confident version of myself.
Since the entrapping confusion I experienced was mainly suffered alone, a significant part of my life was a dedicated attempt to hide that inner struggle, from even the Holy God, whom I believed I loved too much to ever disappoint. (I suspected that God may have been watching, but I hoped HE didn’t hate me as much as I hated how I felt about my struggles with homosexual thought and feelings. Therefore, I became more desperate and frustrated in my endeavors to unravel and escape that mysterious state of being before I would have to reveal it all to HIM!) However, as I journeyed toward the end of my own strength, wisdom and ability to solve my problems with the sin in my life, I found that in my weakness, Jesus is strong. HE reveals HIS deeply truthful nature and transformative love that leads my soul to HIS peace that passes all understanding and a firm resolve to pursue holiness as never before. The battle for righteousness is real and HE is listening and is able to hear a frustrated cry for help, inaudibly screamed from the depths of a hurting mind, heart, and soul, when the breaking point finally occurs.
Fortunately, today, I am living proof that I, alone, was certainly no match for the lifelong struggles against what I now know as inherent sin i.e. sin that all humans inherit from the original struggles of the first couple, Adam and Eve against the serpent, or Satan, in the Garden of Eden. This adversary also (unsuccessfully) tempted our LORD, Christ Jesus, who came to Earth specifically to save the world, (all of Adam and Eve’s offspring and the entire creation of Jesus), from the wiles of the Devil/Serpent/Satan and the resultant deception, which could otherwise have led to ongoing sin.
Nonetheless, despite my unfaithfulness to timely bring my concerns to Jesus, when I eventually resolved to trust HIM, HE revealed to me how to manage my thoughts and feelings. More specifically as to homosexual thoughts and feelings, (or gender-based anxiety), I learned that I am in full control of the repulsive reaction toward I must have toward it. Unfortunately, everyone born into this world must face sin and seek its resolution. But when we go to God in prayer with a broken and contrite heart over sin, I have found that HE is immediately caring and wise and never wishes to see me, or anyone else suffer alone with the challenges of sin.
I rejoice to know that I can go to God about that sin, (or for any other struggle that I may face). And as long as I am completely open to HIS gracious healing, I can immerge from the experience with the wisest, most profound counseling and understanding available in order to live my best life and hopefully inspire others needing the same salvation. I have learned and continue to discover that God is mighty, willing and able to save anyone who calls HIS name from the isolation, confusion, and shame that homosexual anxiety may inflict.
Nothing could have prevented HIM from coming to my rescue on that lovely summer day, having heard my desperate cry only days before.
Additionally, in my prayer, I had became so determined to have God’s help that I thought about giving HIM a sacrifice. In the past, when I sought an answer from God, (although not about anything this serious), I usually prayed and fasted until I received HIS answer. I did this to show HIM the importance of HIS helping me to resolve my issue. Thinking back, I had once told myself that a struggle with homosexual thoughts and feelings only meant that when I became determined enough, I could stop thinking and feeling that way by my own will and strong resolve.
Yet, despite my certainty that I could figure out how to conquer this sin on my own; after 40 years of struggle, my optimism failed and my existence finally became unsustainable, as I had reached a point where regaining my heterosexuality seemed to mean absolutely everything to me. Therefore, having understood that I was wrong and urgently needed HIS rescue, I released a desperate cry for help that only God could hear; (Psalm 139:4, says, 4 Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, Oh LORD, you know it altogether). And HE responded like a doting father. Because while I was still working out whether or not to fast in sacrifice to HIM, GOD came: While the urgency of my dilemma was still fresh on my mind, the Eternal Holy God was rushing to my rescue. In the past, HIS answer would come in a dream. But on this occasion, God graciously chose to answer my prayer in person.
HE then counseled and relieved me of my heavy burden, which I soon realized I had carried for far too long. Upon initially meeting God that day, HE presented like an active, billowing cloud, coming in from above my large living room window and then through it, moving timely toward me and covering me from head to toe. Once completely surrounded in HIS otherwise inconspicuous cloud-based presence, I had the security of knowing that HIS meeting with me was private.
And my first instinct was to apologize to God, but HE gently dissuaded it. It was as if HE had instantly, inaudibly communicated that the matter was much more complex than I had understood it to be. HE was there to provide me with comfort and understanding. So, HE went right to work. HIS clear, confident communication helped me to focus on what he told me. The first and most important thing God told me was, “You are not a homosexual.” Next, God revealed to me that, “The way to gain the mastery over homosexual thoughts and feelings is to abhor them, or absolutely hate them.”
Therefore, by the sharp, sanctifying nature of HIS wisdom, HE had invited me to instantly become an active, effective participant in my own healing by using HIS authoritative responses; it was a primary, but monumental lesson that I had sorely missed up to that point. (In the past, I treated homosexual anxiety like an annoying trickster that I tried to ignore or reason against, but to no avail, as, over time it would return again and again.)
However, thanks to the Holy God, I now knew the value of being completely indifferent and of abhorring those inappropriate thoughts and feelings. I believed GOD instantly and knew I had HIS truth to finally begin living a confident, holy life.
I recall that as a child when someone truly wronged me or wronged someone else in my presence, I could clearly see it for what it was; but without a word, I felt a deep sense of pity and a fleeting but sincere hope that the wrongdoer would reconsider the behavior for his or her own good. There was no dwelling on the wrong that the person did, only a desire to dismiss it as quickly as possible as something intolerable but fixable by the offender. However, Jesus revealed that the offended party has authoritative recourse, even when the offense originates in the mind.
Additionally, I realized that God is completely intolerant of sin and only with HIS help could I effectively resist the effects of sin in my life; otherwise sin’s effects cannot be fixed, and they won’t simply go away: Because mankind’s enemy, the Devil is persistent, and the spiritually corrosive nature of sin, is in opposition to the laws, statutes and judgements of our Holy God. I also came to the understanding that everything and everyone in God’s creation, including the Devil and every sin he causes to be released upon the world through his deception is ultimately subject to God’s authority. Further, mankind’s initial responses in the Garden of Eden and their offspring’s current trials as to the devils whiles are covered by the blood of Jesus to those who have faith in HIM.
Prior to the Master’s teaching me how to overcome homosexual anxiety, I was embattled by the suspicion that these intolerable, illusive thoughts and feelings seemed to have been coming from me or at the very least, to me, and they came far too often over the years. Further, I had mistakenly believed that I, alone, had to stop them from occurring to me in order to feel secure. I felt concerned that as long as they continued to occur and I did not stop them from happening, my frustration would remain about not having truly defeated or overcome them and therefore, I could not feel secure or victorious in my daily life; this was a continuing cycle before I invited God to solve this problem on my behalf.
In other words, my initial responses were completely wrong. Now I realize that those thoughts and feelings represent temptation as a consequence of living in a fallen world, that temptation alone is not sin, (as even Jesus was tempted but was without sin.) Also, God’s words and demeanor helped me realize that while those thoughts and feelings are not from God and are completely unimportant, fear-based, confusing, and have no place whatsoever in a Holy lifestyle, HE was already aware of them. “No one had to tell HIM what people were like. HE already knew.” (See, John 2:25, CEV: Contemporary English Version.)
Nevertheless, my merely feeling victimized, at times, by those thoughts and feelings and wanting to make them stop was also not enough to solve that problem, as it amounted to the wrong approach and the wrong use of my time, energy, etc. Further, my former responses were feeble, as they lacked the required authoritative reaction and were therefore ineffective. Also, I often found myself wondering why homosexual anxiety was afflicting me and why it continued to occur. However, the Bible teaches by various examples, that temptation comes both from within our heart, (more later), and from without i.e. from the devil, as well. And, although I am prone to sin as a result of being an offspring of the first Adam, who sinned, I am, nonetheless, 100% responsible for my own response to sin in my personal life. I am a sinner saved by God’s grace.
Again, God has such a zero tolerance for sin; Yet, HE so loves me, and so desires to see me live a sinless life, that not only did HE come to personally counsel me, upon request, (as HIS personal help is often only by invitation), but long ago, HE was also willing to sacrifice HIS only begotten son, Christ Jesus, the lamb of God, whose perfect blood redeems, saves, and justifies me, you, and all past, present, and future people of the world, regarding sin. (In the Hebrew language, Christ means, Anointed. And Jesus means, Salvation.) ” This is why my following the example of the second Adam, who is the man Christ Jesus, in properly dealing with sin in my personal life is so essential.
“We live in this world, but we don’t act like its people or fight our battles with the weapons of this world. Instead, we use God’s power that can destroy fortresses. We destroy arguments and every bit of pride that keeps anyone from knowing God. We capture people thoughts and make them obey Christ.” See 2 Corinthians 10:3-5, CEV.) HE provides the sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of GOD! Please reference the sword of the Spirit in the following Bible scriptures: Ephesians 6:17 and Revelations 19:15. Other scriptural examples as to the authority of God’s Word, are as follows:
Jesus answered, “The Scriptures say: ‘No one can live only on food. People need every word that God has spoken.” (Please see Matthew 4:4, CEV) Therefore, God’s Word, the Bible, (as well as HIS living, active word), is supported by the precise, absolute, discerning authority of the sword of the Spirit, as well as the comforting nature of HIS Holy Spirit, which governs and assists in human behavior by reminding us about the Holy Scriptures, (God’s written Word) and/or HIS spoken Word. The sword of the Spirit is both a defensive and offensive armor and is one of our greatest weapons against inner and outer temptation.
Consider the scripture, James 1:14, NLT as to temptation that originates from inner thoughts: “Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away.” Therefore, it is essential to the Christian walk of faith to resist temptation by seeking to see ourselves as God sees us and requesting of HIM to be filled and guided by HIS discerning Holy Spirit, whom Jesus said will lead us into all truth.
Therefore, I now look forward to living my best life by following God’s counsel and standing on HIS Word. And I use any false thoughts/feelings that may try to come to mind as opportunities to recall and apply God’s counsel. I do HIS will to repay the grace HE showed me and to give HIM praise, thus creating a new, healthy thought cycle that sees me as more than a conqueror, sin, as a defeated enemy, and Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Whenever I am tempted, I stand in faith on who HE says I am, (more later). And I abhor temptation by using it as an opportunity to raise up a righteous standard based on truth rather than try to ignore its sinfulness, wish it away, or try to grapple with it on my own.
However, while HE counseled me, God did not mention any origin or reason for my homosexual thoughts and feelings or place any blame whatsoever on me or on anyone else. (The Holy Bible details mankind’s struggles with various sins.) Instead, God clearly wanted me to focus only on the solution.
Once God and I had completed that first lesson in my living room, (as now looking back on it, it is clear that HIS teaching there was only an introduction to HIS more expansive, illustrative lessons), we quickly and seamlessly went to heaven. I physically traveled with HIM in the cloud that HE arrived in. I could see the cloud; and knew that the voice coming from it was God’s. But, although it engolfed my body from head to toe, I could not feel it at all. At a moment’s notice, God and I were moving in an upward direction. I was not aware of my physical state changing into a spiritual one, or any other such sensation or obvious detail.
There was only a peaceful knowing that the moment to travel with God had arrived; and that experience felt positive and intentional. There was no physical discomfort or burden of time. It had happened relatively instantaneously with never a thought of safety: I was fully secure in being in the best company of all. I am amazed that the journey to Heaven was soon over, only shortly after it began. Yet, at the time God’s presence was so reassuring that HE made that very supernatural experience seem quite normal.
It was as if the journey to Heaven was energized by only HIS will to accomplish it. And in that mindset, the inexplicable miracle of instantaneous travel was simply a norm that required no explanation at all: At that time, it occurred to me as merely a means to an end. It held the calmness of traveling with someone in an elevator: However, although the flight was quite swift and nearly timeless, the insulating cloud was equally soundless, motionless and helped to make purpose, destination, and movement feel like a singular action. I felt no fatigue in my physical body or stress of mind or heart. I trusted God and had the presence of mind, anticipation and self-awareness of an obedient child. It was as if the expectation of arriving at our destination was the only driving force expended to satisfy the purpose;
My childlike faith and complete trust in God were other elements of the comfort I experienced. His knowledgeable, kind, and commanding presence produced that type of response. It’s hard to explain the level of peace and serenity I felt: It was similar to a having a restful state of mind when all needs are met, or there is a solemn, unspoken guarantee that they will be thoroughly and justly satisfied. Further, it is now more clear than ever that no matter how old someone becomes, it is due to a childlike faith that the Holy Bible refers to Christians as Children of God; (Please see Galatians 3:26.) And therefore, it is important that Christians become spiritually perfect: Ephesians 4:13-18.
And for many reasons, (not limited to the fact that by HIS very nature, God is holy), it felt completely natural to follow HIM in the way that a child follows a perfectly kind, loving parent. In the end, perfection, (or, spiritual maturity), finally became possible in the most difficult area of my life. As earlier indicated, I believe that everybody is saddled with a sin burden that they must overcome during their life’s journey. But victory in this area was possible only because I stopped hiding and running from God and started running toward Him. I became so exhausted with trying and failing to solve that homosexual anxiety mystery on my own that I finally laid my burden at HIS feet. I had “let go and let God” do HIS eye-opening and life-saving work.
So, to recap: In the initial moments of God’s visit in response to my cry for help regarding my continual (40-year) struggle with homosexual anxiety, and especially due to my admitted inability in prayer to resolve that problem on my own, God revealed to me the following important truths:
- You are not a homosexual; and,
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The way to gain the mastery over homosexual thoughts and feelings is to abhor them, (or absolutely hate them.)